This was drafted in January 2013 concerning Brian Steelman (Birthdate: 10/01/1955):
In the fall of 1995 we moved to Fair Hill, MD due to Brian's job at CIBA. I was employed at AT&T-Lucent at the time. Staying employed with Lucent would have required a commute to PA(Allentown?). I did not beg to stop working. I asked. The commute would have been ridiculous. After quitting public work, I've been doing all the housework & most of the yard work. We built a new house so I planted the shrubbery & flowers, & collected field stones for a border in back. When we moved into the house, there were things the builder needed to follow up on. Brian put me in the middle of this to try to get the builder to finish up when I had no leverage. It was VERY stressful. When Grandma (Davis) died he didn't want to go with me to the funeral because he "didn't know her". I wanted him with me. She & I were close. Brian had been around her on several occasions & she was at our wedding. It was during these 5 years I caught him looking at porn on the pc for the first time. That was the only incident that I know of while there.
Once Brian got the grass established, I started mowing. I love to push-mow & use a self propelled mower. I have done all the mowing at our residences since leaving NC. Brian built me a raised garden near the street since we were on a wooded lot. Since moving to MD I have always had a vegetable garden from which I can & freeze. I was able to grow most of my plants from seeds under grow-lights in our basement. I also enjoy giving vegetables away. I stenciled borders in some of the rooms of the house. I painted the garage inside. The ceiling was very high so it was hard to paint. I still remember my neck & shoulders hurting.
I started snoring shortly after moving to MD. Brian, who snores, demanded I get my doctor to send me to a sleep lab. We were new to the area & he didn't help me find the facility in Wilmington, DE. So I went late at night by myself to a strange area. I remember it being a demeaning experience & nothing was found.
I just learned recently that his son Jack, whom he hasn't spoken to in years, told my parents during this time that Brian didn't treat me right. Jack was 11 in 1995 when we moved there.
Before moving Brian took a temporary assignment in NJ & lived in condo/apartment on the beach. I would go visit him.
After being in MD 5 yrs., Brian took a transfer to West Memphis, AR & we lived in Olive Branch, MS. building a new house in a development. I had even more shrubbery & flowers here because it was a lot sunnier. We were required by the homeowner's association to plant sod. After it was laid by some workers, Brian asked me to move a section. The Bermuda grass was already established making it very hard to move. I had my best garden at this house. When living here it was ok that we got up at 4am to go about our day. Brian would go in at shift change to check on things before the day crew took over. I would get to the gym by 5:20am. I wanted us to stay in this house.
Up until the time Brian took the England assignment in 2005, he was usually away one week per month. As far as lack of intimacy, I don't know what happened there. I learned in our first year that Brian was the initiator. Actually, I don't remember any physical intimacy in our home in MS, although he says he does. He quit hugging me a long time before that. I still remember trying to hug him when his son Jack said he was moving to WV. It was like holding a marble column.
We moved to Ivor, VA in 2003. The yard & house needed a lot of attention. Shrubbery had grown together blocking a concrete walkway. Nothing outside had been given attention in years. So I got to work.
I caught him looking at porn on the pc again after he had to reprimand an employee for doing the same thing at work. Again, it was a one-time incident.
When Brian took the England assignment, we wanted to keep the house here. I was afraid the dreary, cold weather would get to me. And we had several cats that we didn't want to put through quarantine, etc. When Brian took the AL assignment, I offered to move to AL for work/retirement as a compromise of wanting to move to FL. A warmer climate would help my Raynauld's. I power washed the house & one outbuilding while he was gone.
While in VA Brian lost his wedding band. Although I offered to replace it, he didn't want to. I lost mine (a simple band)a few winters ago pulling off my gloves somewhere. He never made the same offer. Within the past 2 years or so I took Brian's Mom's ring with 5 diamonds & had another shank put on it making sure it fit with my engagement ring & ring guard. I paid for it out of my own account. That could have been a Christmas or anniversary gift. He has give me jewelry in the past (diamond & sapphire stud earrings, a diamond heart, gold bangles, & a pearl necklace).
I have coped with being home alone coping by drawing into myself & adhering to my schedule. Loneliness was a big part of my bout with an eating disorder many years ago. Brian, an alpha male, retired from a powerful position. Now he works for somebody else in a very structured environment at Bon Secours as a medical technician where he doesn't have much control. This was all his own choosing. He's always been moody, but it has gotten worse over the years, especially since his parents' passings & his retiring from CIBA, and then again after taking the 11-11 shift. He has chosen how much time he spends away from home.
Two Christmases ago when we had difficulty getting a donation to The Children's Home & Grace Academy in India because they were a bit disorganized over there. Brian threatened to stop supporting via phone & emailings. Brett Carl, our missions pastor, asked him to show some grace. I thought the same thing might happen this year with one of the groups, but they met Brian's deadline (for tax purposes).
Paul & Christine, his pastor & his wife while in England, visited us. They took me aside one day & with wide eyes asked me if Brian treated me like an employee all the time. He has a hard time saying "please" & "thank you". Over the years Brian has rarely asked how a doctor's appointment has gone. I usually have to bring it up first.
Brian admitted recently that he hates the garden & that's why he rarely goes out there. I started selling vegetables to my friends a few years ago, which I hate doing, so that it would help pay for itself & maybe he'd be somewhat appeased. He just called it 'a loser'. For several years I helped supply a lady at church tomatoes for her to can & give away to our seniors or those in need. I have taken extra produce to The Zuni Presbyterian Home for their use on several occasions. Brian built me a greenhouse. Several times I suggested that we needed to get a heating/cooling system to regulate it. He just ignored me. So as a result I have never been able to grow plants from seeds in it. Things either froze, even with heating mats, or burned so I buy my plants.
I've always been involved in church choir until the last few years. I attend Westminster Reformed Presbyterian Church in Suffolk. I've been playing the piano & singing hymns with the residents of Autumn Care in Suffolk with Rev. Freddie Jordan for at least 6 years. For 2 years I did it by myself at the onset of his kidney failure. This past November I started playing & singing at Hillcrest Retirement Center, Suffolk every third Sunday. Bob Penley, an elder, teaches the Sunday School lesson & his wife Peggy leads the singing.
I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism & started menopause, which have similar symptoms, around the same time. Brian's parents were at the end of their lives in a nursing home. I wasn't fun to live with. I couldn't stand myself & thought I was going crazy. I'm not sure he knew what was happening or even wanted to know. It took several years, but I think my hormones have stabilized. I think my menopausal mood swings started while Brian was in England, but I thought it was stress.
Since returning from England, Brian was arrested for DUI after dark. He spent a night in the Petersburg jail. I don't remember the details except that someone other than Brian put their fist through the windshield. He did what was required & never had his license revoked.
I have never complained about what he does, whether it's a paid or unpaid activity. There have been many times when I wished he was home instead of at Ivor Rescue, our volunteer rescue service. But it's a tremendous community service. I didn't complain when he bought an airplane with his inheritance in a bad economy. In fact, I have told him he should have learned to fly sooner. He also took out a second mortgage on the house for the plane. I don't know the details.
Since his parents' passings we've seen my parents less frequently. He says he hasn't stopped me from going home (by myself) but he hadn't made any effort to go like we used to (about once every 3 or 4 months).
Brian refuses to eat Fred's (friend) green beans that I froze. They were some of the last in the season so they're not as tender. Kathy & Bob (friends) & I had no problems with them.
He complained that oranges from a local church, where I buy every year, weren't as juicy & had thick rinds. My parents, Bob & Kathy, & I thought they tasted fine. (I've had one that was drier. It depends on the season. )
I think he was watching porn videos some nights after coming in from work, once he got on the 11-11 shift. The audio would be so loud sometimes that it woke me up downstairs. When I would on occasion wake him up he would rail at me with the volume not near as high as he had it.
When Brian handed me his letter as he was walking out, I was scheduled to have a liver biopsy & go to a rheumatologist for more autoimmune testing. On the day of my biopsy, he didn't show up as planned. He overslept. I met Kathy in Suffolk for her to take me. He met us at Maryview. He never apologized to either of us. While I was having the procedure, Kathy said all he talked about was how much he works & how tired he's been. He also told her that telling his brother that he "failed again", meaning a second marriage, was one of the hardest things he's done. When he was sitting with me in recovery, he worked. He didn't look at me even though I stared at him some to see if he would look. He stayed no longer than necessary when he took me home. Later he brought the car back that I drove to meet Kathy, again staying no longer than necessary. If I started having complications, he told me I could call him & he'd call the rescue station directly.
After I had several counseling sessions, I was ready to approach him with what he needed to do, like his letter stated, but he was not interested. I think he planned to leave all along in spite of what his letter says. He had already removed the prenuptial from the safety deposit box on 11/14/12. This past December Brian took off 2 weeks claiming to tile a half bath floor during this time. He never touched it, occupying his time with Ivor Rescue & Tidewater EMS. He refuses to go to joint counseling & wait to see if medication would help me. He told me he was not coming back on February 27, 2013.
He hasn't told me where he's been living. But he sure knows where I'm at. He told me he's renting a hotel room by the week, but I discovered the big tv in the entertainment center with doors is gone. Why do you need a TV if you're staying in a hotel?
How much does a housekeeper & yard man cost for 19 years?
He will try to run me out of the house by cutting off the utilities if he doesn't get his way.
I supposedly own 1% of Abee Enterprises. I don't have any documentation.
Track his money especially after his mother died. He probably has accounts I'm unaware of.
My 401K hasn't grown that much since I hadn't been working, which was a sacrifice for Brian ... Compensation for that time?
